Shack’n Aint Crack’n! Settling Pt. 4

A SA favorite

“Girl I love this man!! We have been together for a long time. I know he is the one for me. I want him to be the first person I see when I wake up and the last before I sleep. Me and my boo are moving in together!! I know its going to make us even closer. Its going to be so cute, our own place, our own space, just me and him.

What marriage? Yea we plan on getting married, eventually. Girl I’m so tired of these church folk telling us to wait to live together. I’m grown, I’m saved, and we both go to church, we good.We have been spending the night together almost every night, its like we’re already married. He calls me his wifey and everything. Besides, this is the new age and no one gets married before they live together nowadays. It’s nothing but a piece of paper anyway! Plus, I’m so tired of staying at home, my momma treating me like I’m 12 and we argue way too much, its time for me to go. I’m sure God understands. And you know I have to see how good we do together before we make it final. I am not about to live with no man who cant hold things down, I don’t play that. And once we move in together all these other girls will know he is mine and mines only! Oh yea, remind me to go get my birth control because I’m not having no baby with no ring! Oooh girl they playing Pretty Ricky turn the radio up that is my jam (singing) ‘We can play house, Touch Touch’ ”

Why buy the milk? The Cow is Free!

Wow. Where do I start? I remember those feelings, wanting to be with someone so bad not caring what no one thought, not even God. Ladies why do we choose to live with our boyfriends before marriage? Waking up every day to a man that God has not approved to be there. Maybe you are saying “I don’t have no one else, he is all I have”. Maybe he is a sense of comfort and security for you. Maybe you came from a broken home and is determined not to be a single parent. Maybe you just don’t see anything wrong with it and you have chosen to live your life how you want. But this is one thing I have learned for sure, we can choose what we want to do but we cant choose the consequences.

I can tell you why I did some of the things I did with a man…I didn’t know my self worth. And i’m saying this with confidence that I believe that’s one of the reasons why we choose to live with a man with no commitment. We make the milk free without buying the cow, diminishing our value. It’s like having a two million dollar ring, not knowing its composition (diamonds) and giving it away for $2. It just doesn’t make sense. What we are telling this man is that he can get the best of us for the minimal cost. He now has no reason to pursue us as a man should and standards that he should have been held to is now gone. If there was no value in waiting to live with a man  before marriage then why did God create marriage?

God is coming back for His Bride…not girlfriend

He says in Hebrews 13:4

“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral”.

So why do we treat it like its nothing?

“But Brittany there is nowhere in the bible that says living together before marriage is a sin.” Lets go a little deeper shall we.

God tells us to flee fornication (run away from, escape), not just resist! I doubt it’s possible to flee fornication if you are sleeping in bed with a man you are attracted to every night. Now I’ve said this in previous post and I will say it again, I know Christ and I have his spirit but when I tried to spend the night with my then boyfriend I would think, “we are not going to do anything we both know better, sex is not even an option, he will sleep on the floor”. That was a complete fail!! We were putting ourselves in such a tempting situation and basically setting the flesh up to do what it does best FAIL!! To think that the devil wouldn’t try to do all he can to get us to fall and sin was the most foolish thing I have ever thought, Ever. We underestimate the devil. He comes to kill steal and destroy and he is on his job 24/7 constantly tempting us. God says in Ephesians 6 that we don’t fight flesh and blood but spirits, what we cant see. You think its a coincidence that one moment you are saying “nothing will happen” but the next your looking like “What in the world just happen”?

God knows best! His design and his will is perfect. It was never Gods will to have a baby momma/baby daddy. He designed a man to be with one woman and vice versa. You do know that the moment you have sex with someone you marry them right?  But its not the good marriage you are thinking about. I call this marriage an “illegal marriage” because it is against Gods standards and its not covered by God. Instead of it being the husband wife and God like a God given marriage is supposed to be, it is now just the man, woman and a demonic door now opened in your life, full of spiritual oppression. God uses sex as a means to make 2 married peoples souls become one but when done outside marriage it creates a negative bond, or negative soul tie. Sex involves body, spirit, and soul. Our souls are now connected, no longer two but one. This is how he designed it…

Mark 10:7-8 “For this reason a man shall leave [behind] his father and his mother and be joined to his wife and cleave closely to her permanently, And the two shall become one flesh, so that they are no longer two, but one flesh.” AMP

Did you catch the first verse, “ For this reason a man shall leave [behind] his father and his mother and be joined to his wife“, not girlfriend. Now if this is how God designed it why would he have us living with someone who is not our husband and take the risk of creating a negative soul tie with a man who is again, not  our husband? Because remember the flesh is weak. Please understand this. See God knows how detrimental it is to one’s body soul and spirit when sex occurs out of marriage. He knows the different spirits that enter us and torment us, preventing us from truly receiving life abundantly because of these negative soul ties. And we wonder why after we have sex with a man, our emotions are more intense, anger sadness and depression become harder to fight and it’s harder to walk away from him. We are having thoughts we shouldn’t have and everything he does affects us on a whole different level. Because now, we are not only struggling with our own demons but his as well, and the demons from the previous girls he had sex with. Clearly this is not Gods will.

“But Brittany, I love him and I know he loves me. We have slept with no one but each other. We’ve been together for 5, 6 years. Yes we have sex but that’s going be my husband anyway, he cares about me”

I had to keep it real with myself first and stop making excuses!  “If he cared about me, if he knew my worth, he would wait for me!! He would get closer to God, read His word and obey it to be pleasing in Gods sight, not mans. He would find out how to really love me, how to love me like Christ loves the church, how to be selfless towards me like Christ was when He died on the cross. He would want to protect me from hurt and not be the cause of it. He would want to commit to me, be my kingdom husband (not a live in boyfriend), wanting to show me off as a beautiful linen garment. One day he may be my husband but he is not now. It’s about being obedient, and God blesses the obedient :)”

Instead of trusting God that this is who He has for us, we do our own thing and see if we can make it, see if we get along well in the same house. “Can he pay the bills and cut the grass?” He’s not even obligated to you, the place you may live in, or the bills you pay. That very thought alone makes me so uneasy. If we have to do all that then maybe that’s not who God has for us right now. He will not set us up to fail. We have to learn to trust Him and not take things into our own hands. Here is something we have all thought once or twice, “how will you know if you are sexually compatible with the person if you wait until marriage to have sex”? And the answer is, faith! When God gives us the husband He designed for us why would He adjoin us to someone who cant satisfy us sexually when He knows sex is important in marriage? (R.A Vernon) We must realize that God loves us so much and he knows what’s best for us. Our value is in Him not a man. We are putting a man before God making him our god and because of that we hinder our prayers and the true blessings God has for us. We forget that God sits high and looks low and that He is a jealous God longing to be put first!

So here I am again, having to sober up and face the real truths in my life. “when putting a man before God be prepared to receive whatever this man has for you. It may be emotional agony, frustration, anger, and if you continue to ignore God, even death!” Sad to say I have seen situations where these men have killed their women in their home out of jealousy/anger. Gods word is here to protect us and to keep us out of the devils hands, but when we disobey him and step out of his will we are opening up all kinds of hell, then have the nerve to cry about it when it all goes wrong (I did that!). A man cant do us like God. Can he save our soul? Can he forgive our sins? Can he give us peace and joy? Heal our body? Fix our crazy mind? Beautiful woman don’t let a man make you miss your blessings. That man don’t have a heaven or hell to put us in but God does and that is never His desire for His creation.

“But Brittany, what if we live together but we don’t have sex” ? I’m glad you asked.

All the devil needs is time and opportunity. One thing about us sometimes is that we don’t weigh the risk, (wisdom/spiritual maturity). Check it, two people who like each other, spending more time together, becoming more comfortable around each other, wearing less clothes around each other, sleeping in the same bed, seeing each other coming out the shower, touching on each other, the morning bulge in his pants, these are all things that will eventually cause us to fall. Regardless of how we put it, its subjecting self to a level of compromise when God is saying flee it all together. I have learned early on that just because it aint penetration don’t mean it aint compromise and the enemy will really try to make us believe its ok. Wow what a trick!

But lets say it actually does happen, your able to control this flesh (which I doubt, you put some meat in a lions den and see how long it last), what about the lusting in the heart? Gods says in Matthew 5:28 that even if we lust in our hearts we have sinned.

Matthew 5:28 “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Even the lustful thoughts/fantasies puts our hearts  in a place that does not please God. I don’t want us to over look just how vital this is. There is no such thing as a little or big sin, its all the same. If we realized the importance of our souls and his, it would let us know that this man is our brother in Christ first, would we want to put him in a position to sin in his heart? I dont want to be the reason to cause him to fall.

And what about the example are we setting for those around us? We are basically telling others, these young babies that’s its OK to live together, so they do, and sin!!! Can you imagine judgment day God points out that because of our example others fell into sin? Their blood is now on our hands.

Mark 9:11 “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea.”

As a single its hard enough not living together, I cant imagine the temptation 24/7.The real fight and victory is when we have to go home alone, sleep alone, telling that flesh “NO” and not pacifying it under the basis of “well it aint sex” ! Trust me all this did not come from me. God hit my heart before I shared this and He still reminds me of these very words He said to me on a daily. I must be real with self in order to grow. I have had many days where I had to remind myself that I cant be “Half way Holy” in my actions and thoughts and think oh yes I’m doing this thing!!! And the fight wont stop until I get married…but thank God for the fight.!!!!! If you are struggling, THANK GOD for your struggle that you are not just giving in but fighting, that you don’t stay down when you fall. He is blessing you and he will take you from one level of holiness to the next, just keep walking with Him 🙂

The WORLD says go head live together but God says in James 4:4

“You [are like] unfaithful wives [having illicit love affairs with the world and breaking your marriage vow to God]! Do you not know that being the world’s friend is being God’s enemy? So whoever chooses to be a friend of the world takes his stand as an enemy of God.”

I have had a huge share in giving a man my body settling for less and tormented by what I allowed a man to do in my life, but why live that life if I don’t have to? I got tired of letting a man touch me, feeling empty and never having peace. I got tired of hurting my God, spiritually tormented and never obtaining the fullness of God. I decided that I wanted what God has for me and not this world. I would rather wait on God and be blessed with something so amazing, a man so breath taking, and a marriage so impactful that it will make the devil himself want to give God praise. I’ve even got to the point where I don’t even kiss anymore because it always led to other stuff. Yea, its like that for me! Desire to be an example of just what God is capable of doing and how He blesses the upright. I would be lying if I said it was easy but its rewarding. Psalms 37:5-6 says if we commit our ways to Him, He would make our Righteous reward shine like the dawn. I’m standing on His word today! Will you? 🙂

R.A Vernon is the pastor of The Word Church in Cleveland, OH and author of Dr. R.A Vernon’s 10 Rules of Dating. (please get this book if you don’t have it) Want to know how serious he takes marriage? He won’t even marry a couple if they are living together before marriage, because its more than just another relationship. He is teaching people how to be holy before God and I commend him for that because it seems as if Gods people has gotten away from it.  If we are  real with self  for a second, we can’t obey God before marriage but expect Him to bless our marriage?

“Oh God, yea you are the ruler, God of all things but let me do this own my on. I trust you with everything else but my love life? My heart? Naw God I got it. Oh but wait Lord I will need you when we decide to get married on our own timing. Just sit tight, I will put you in my back pocket”

In John 4:16-18 God said this to a woman who was spiritually blind

“Go call your husband and then come back.
‘I have no husband,’ she said.

“That’s nicely put: ‘I have no husband.’ You’ve had five husbands, and the man you’re living with now isn’t even your husband. You spoke the truth there, sure enough.”

God already knew where she was but he asked her this question to make her aware of her own sin. Is God saying this to you today?

Just like this woman, He desired her soul and was eager to forgive her and give her all of Him. He desires to do that for us all. Will you join me on this road to victory? Waiting on our kingdom man and not settling in between? A change must take place 🙂 Ladies shacking up shows no commitment to God and no commitment to us. Think about it. Commitment is always sealed with vows. Why be a live in girlfriend when we deserve to be wives? And when you are ready for marriage go to Christian counseling. Marriage is for Gods children, not this world and we must be prepared and learn how to handle Gods sacred law.

Women who know their worth don’t just “go with the flow”. Resist the ways of this world. When I think about it, a guy was comfortable settling with me because I allowed it. Don’t short change yourself or your soul. We must answer to God first. I shared all this not to make anyone feel less of self but to share what God has shared with me because we don’t grow in comfort or always hearing what pleases the flesh. We grow from hearing the truth and the word of God. A big part of growth is not to down self but to realize where self is and to desire and go after change. His word is here not for us to get mad at but to protect us. We just have to trust in Him. We will be blessed if we do 🙂

Continue on to Part 5, SHE Don’t Settle!

Want to stop settling for less? Find out how I did it How to Stop Settling! Settling Part 2

Stay encouraged, LOVE you all!!!
Brittany M. Jones.